Again the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it. Matthew 13:45-46
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, [is like a butterfly] he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new
Friday, 13 August 2010
Why I am deciding NOT to date
Right, I know I said I am not going to blog but I am struggling already with this autobiography task. Somehow words flow easier when I am blogging. At this rate I'm going to modify my blog and journal entries and just add them to my book.
Anyway, I made a firm decision the other week not to get serious with anyone. I know I've been venting about celibacy for a few months now but coming back from Savannah has made it clear that I just can't do a relationship.
Since I could remember, I've been in some kind of relationship or I've had an obsessive crush on someone. Sad, I know. Things have changed though- for the better. I am actually making a wise decision, yes I am making the choice to hold off dating for a little longer.
My conviction was set firm in the soil when James came to stay. James and I became friends through a mutual friends of ours. James came from Jacksonville, Florida but he came to see this mutual friend of ours in Savannah. I enjoyed hanging out with James and yes I did find him on the attractive side. Not wow-factor but more like ok- factor.
The whole time I was with James I had major RED FLAGS. Ladies, can I give you some advice ? As soon as you see those red flags back off.
Hmm, I tend to mistake red flags at the beginning of a potential relationship for white flags in a ver pink coloured world.
Well, James and I just were not clicking. But I was determined to swoon him over with my amazing British/Nigerian charm but nothing I did for James was good enough.
Some of my romantic disappointments are self inflicted. How? You may ask. I lack serious boundaries with men. All too often I disappear into the person I am in love with.
Quote : If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my education, my money,my family, my dog,etc. In return, I will carry all your pain, I will assume all your debts (in every defintion of the word) and I will protect you from your own insecurities.
Hence, this explains why every relationship I have had (good or bad) causes me to emerge exhausted, underweight and begging for my next fix of 'the love stuff'.
To cut a long story short, even though I was not in love with James (seriously I wasn't), I knew that if he gave me what I wanted even if it was in small doses, my insecurites would cause me to become another helpless addict. James took a lot from me whenever we would hang out but I blame myself because I lack boundaries. When he started to ask for me to iron his trousers, I knew both James and I had crossed the line. After filling up his tank with petrol and then being asked by him to buy lunch - I knew the line had seriously been crossed. James was taking advantage of me and I was letting him.
Some of you "sistas" are already gasping at the horror of it all but it's not James's fault. This doesn't really have anything to do with him at all but I wanted to show you what God has been doing in my life.
I actually felt the Holy Spirit pull me aside, just as a Father pulls a child to the corner. I just heard the Holy Spirit tell me : "No more". That was it- no more. You cannot give what you don't have. I think if you are woman like me, you try and be God to everyone and everything. You can't! You will end up a mess.
After hanging out with James that Tuesday, the next day I actually fell ill and I was just exhausted. I hadn't had this sick feeling since...a break up a while back. It was that feeling of being at my wits end, as though every drop of energy was gone. In such situations don't lay around and feel sorry for yourself. Hand it over to God.
1 Peter 5: 7 …casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
In Savannah, I did meet some pretty amazing men of God too. It was just nice having conversations from house music, politics, right to bear arms to cooking. I had a friend buy a book which catered to my interest and the gesture was not romantic but it was a gesture of friendship. Someone actually cared to invest in me. Having guys open the doors, care about what you have to say and who love the Lord are qualities I often tell my younger sister's to look for in a guy.
For us older women, don't give what you don't have. I used to feel bitter about the past and I used to fear about writing about it on here. There was a time I had gained admission to spend an entire year at the University of Spelman in Atlanta , GA but I was dating someone back then and I didn't want them to wait any longer. I was willing to do anything for their happiness. But it wasn't good enough. I lacked boundaries and soon after I declined Spelman, the guy dropped me quicker than you could say "Jack Daniels". Do I have regrets and feel like kicking myself? I used to but the internship with University of Emory this summer was so much more than I had initially lost . Besides, I get to graduate earlier now.
I really can't date at the moment, life is just too exciting. God knows the best time for me. He knows the best time for you singles too. I have no regrets except that I couldn't reognize God's timing earlier.
I just don't have 'it' in me anymore to get serious right now. Love is a lesson, I just have a few more classes to take that's all.
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3 comments:
Oh my darling friend, where do I begin? To say you & I are kindred sister souls is an UNDERSTATEMENT!
1. Don't EVER get caught in the trap of trying to please someone else so much that you go against your principles, against who you are as a person, or just to get them to like you. NEVER - do you hear!?! I swear if there is ONE thing I can do on this earth is to help other women to see that they have value & worth AS THEMSELVES, WHO GOD MADE THEM TO BE, not as someone else wants you to be for them.
God is SO incredibly faithful to reveal your shortcomings & help you get past them. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that my biggest mistake in life (with my ex-husband & everyone else I've tried to meet) is actually being attracted to someone who needs "help" in some way. I come in trying to "fix" their problem. When I can't, I feel like I'M the failure. But, what I never realized is that it was never MY problem to begin with, I made it mine. And then it would take me back to that place within myself, that scared little girl who felt like I wasn't worth anything. Believing the lies of the abuser all over again.
2. The most important advice I can ever give anyone is red flags don't mean "back off", but RUN LIKE HELL! (sorry, Father!) I mean it! If you have any red flags flee as fast as you can. Gut feelings are the Holy Spirit guiding you. God knows I wish I'd listened WAAAAAY back in the beginning. But, I was where your age group is (actually much older even). All my friends were married with families, I wanted to do the same, so I settled for someone who had to have everything about him & doing what HE wanted, being with friends & going places HE wanted, adjusting my life to accomodate HIS wants & needs. Yes, we do that in relationships...but RECIPROCALLY, not exclusively!
(continued below b/c apparently I've reached my limit)
ok so on to #2:
3. Ok, confession...after my separation I dated quite a few men. "Dated" being the operative word. It was more like "meets" from internet dating. I found that 98% of them were ONLY looking for sex. I was like "seriously? In our 40's haven't y'all grown up a bit & moved away from that?" HA! UNBELIEVABLE! Then after a few years of that, swearing off men & then getting lonely enough to try again in 3-6 mos., I finally decided, 'ok, I'll only date CHRISTIAN men'. Well, they wouldn't so much as even hold my hand...after 3 MONTHS! I mean, I wasn't looking to jump into bed, but c'mon!!! So then, I met another one online (which I just SO don't recommend!) & was charmed to be sure. Turns out he took advantage of my weaknesses...smooth.
SO, I lost it at that point. I told God, "that's IT, I give UP! I am SICK of this species of men you've created. I refuse to believe there's not someone decent, and kind, and loving, and has a TRUE heart for you that you made for me. But you know what, God? I'm leaving it with you. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE." I was disgusted...with men & with myself for settling...yet again.
That was back in February. I gave up...literally. I told Him, "it's up to you now." And ya know what...He's been faithful to open my eyes to so many things about myself I never even realized (just the sheer fact that I'm sitting here typing this to a dear young woman an ocean away shows proof of that!). He's opened doors that I never even dreamed of...I OWN my home now thanks to Him (well ok...and the bank!). The boys & I went on a family cruise with my parents! I STARTED MY BLOG!!!! (and am now meeting lovely souls everywhere around the world b/c of it!)
4. When you said, "I was willing to do anything for their happiness. But it wasn't good enough," TRUST ME...if NEVER will be! Live your life for YOU, in Christ. HE will bring the one for you, just as I'm trusting that He will do that still for me. Do I doubt as I approach 47 that I can still be loved? Yes, most definitely. But, OUR GOD is bigger than anything. I truly DO believe that I was created from someone's rib to be the "Eve" to their "Adam". And until GOD places the pieces of the puzzle back together, it will never fit right!
I can promise you as you get to your 40's, you truly reflect on your life & oh, if you could only go back & change things....my life would be SO different. But, we all must live with the consequences of the choices we make. My advice...seek His counsel & choose wisely. Don't live with regrets! (I've been very blessed that I have been able to apologize to those people in life that I've hurt.)
Beverley, I feel this "sister/kinship" almost mothering/mentoring feeling with you. I adore your posts & if I can EVER provide insight for you, I will gladly give it.
Live your life for Him. He has someone chosen just for you. Romans 8:24b-25 tells us - "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." It's hard, believe me I know. But, I also know that I trust HIM to bring HIS heart's desire into my life, which will FAR surpass my heart's desire! And I will revel in it & praise Him all the more.
I'm praying for you, dear one!
Love to you ~ Merana
(ok...removing myself from my soapbox now!)
Saw this & wanted to send it to you - http://insidetheshrink-psychobabble.blogspot.com/2010/05/10-danger-signs-of-relationship.html. (I'm not saying this is you, just that maybe you'll get some insight from it, like I did!)
You're making the right choice to take a break after the last experience. Take time & regroup & focus on Him & HIS plans for you. He won't let you down. That was something He showed me...I was having trouble trusting Him b/c He is a "he" and men have always let me down, therefore, I equate men = can't trust. (He's working on me btw!)
Hugs ~ Merana
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