I just can't do [this] CHRISTIANITY anymore

As you can see I have had to put my blog on the back burner due to extensive exams and essay deadlines. Well...actually that's not been my only reason why I haven't been blogging. It's actually because I haven't had anything to write. At all. My mind has been blank yet at the same time filled with so many thoughts on life.

Confession: I've been struggling with my Christianity BIG TIME. I know some of you are scoffing at that statement and are saying with a sarcastic tone "Oh well who isn't struggling in their faith." Well, guys I need you to be a little sympathetic here. Anyway, as I was saying . It's been so,so,so hard with everything.  Earlier, I was trying to express to my friend Lily how I was feeling but I couldn't quite find the words to say. Has anyone ever been in that place in their walk with Christ, when they are actually being a Christian just to please others.  I've been feeling like that recently. The peer pressure has just been intense. How can I put this more eloquently?
Here is a scenario:

Chizor: [talking to bar maid] Can I have a vodka orange please? Plus one entrance to Club Rumba?
Friend: [Looks in shock] Chizor you drink???!!! Club Rumba???!! How can you stoop so low?
Chizor: [silence].

I'm not hear to get into a debate anymore about whether or not one should drink or hit the club. That's not where the issue lies. It's just been this constant struggle in my heart that's been going. I feel constantly yelled at. Like I'm being screamed, yelled at and scolded in my spirit.  Then after the screaming and the telling off, the tiredness comes. I get tired in my spirit, causing me not to want to pray or read my bible because I give up easily and as I feel as though  I'm not "christian" enough. Pitiful I know. The voice causes condemenation. I don't pray because I feel wary to approach His throne of Grace. Is this really God?
I admit I'm not as reserved as I was a few years ago. However, when I look back I wasn't really reserved, I just thought this was the way I had to act. Was I really doing it for God? Or was I people pleasing again? That's another one of my qualifications. I have a Bachelor's Degree in People Pleasing.

All, I can say to all of this is: "GOD I NEED A FRESH REVELATION."

Sorry this isn't one of my usual advice-smart-christian-women blog posts but I really have nothing to share per se. I'm in need of ADVICE here.
I'm struggling being a Christian. I need to go back to my first love. NO, it does not mean that I am condemning a glass of alcohol or going to the club. This is Europe and things are a lot different this side of the Atlantic. I need to get past the Dos and Dont's and really experience God afresh; as of right now everything just feels stale. I can't do this type of Christianity anymore. I need the love relationship I once had with God. It's not going to come through my 'good' works either.

I don't want to walk away from God. Ever. On the other hand I'm just finding it hard to fit into His "good books". I know that's not how the grace of God works. It's a grace that will guide me by the hand and lead me to those still waters I've been longing for these past 6 years.

This may sound cheesy but I had to press God for something. The bible talks about  the renewing of the mind and heart through His Word. I told the Lord that if this was really true then I need Him to use the Word to change me. So, I've been meditating on one/two scriptures a day ALL day. If I feel low or I'm idle, I'll let the scripture for that day just mull over my heart and mind. Right, now I feel no change but I'm going to keep on whispering His Word to myself.
I know by faith something will happen.

Jesus, you really are all that I ever hoped for.

Testimony time - Blessing time

I wrote my Public Law Exam today and am I happy that I have it out of the way. I just wanted to give a brief testimony about the Lord's goodness today.
Well, after the 2 1/2 exam paper the Holy Spirit brought something to rememberance.

'He will teach you everything and remind you of all that I have said to you.'

I  began to remember last year when I wrote my Contract Law and Tort paper, I was an emotional wreck. Emotional wreck is a little dramatic but I was displeased with my personal life. Anyway, to cut a long story short I remember writing those papers with tears streaming down my face and my mind flicking between, "Equitable Estoppel" and "Why God?!  Why is my relationship falling apart ?!" Not a good combination of thoughts, especially when the exam is worth 100% of your grade. Hehehe, I can laugh now but only because I have the strength to - I didn't find this in the slightest bit funny last year.
However, God has definetly turned my story around, for the better. Today, I was able to sit through my Public Law Exam and I was at complete ease.  My mind was focused and at the same time I kept my mind focused on the Lord. So, isn't that something to give God thanks for?
Sometimes, I lay awake at night and I think of all the people who have experienced pain. Whether it was caused by something trivial or something more serious. I think of my best friend Lois, who recently just lost her mother. I think of all the nights she cries herself to sleep due to the grief of it all. I cannot fathom what Lois may be going through right now - I have never lost someone that close to me before, however I do know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep and wake up in further distress.
I remember when I would sit for hours just reading other people's blogs about how God delievered them from their pain.  That's why I speak so much about my past experiences- not because I am glorifying my past ; rather  because I know how often people 'google search':  'need help with pain' or 'God delievered me from pain'. I know this because I used to search for the same answer. I want people to see God's hand of deliverance on my life and be encouraged .

The bible says :  Psalms 34:19 says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers them from them ALL."

On a lighter note, I need a title for my autobiography. Write now it is a contest between "Butterfly and Pearls" or "Skinny, Worried and Depressed" - my 13 year old sister came up with the last one...she has a talent for words.
Any takers?

Life with God is an Adventure

I am currently working a 50 hour job at the library.  Job description; Sit at a desk for 10 hours, studying solely law text books. Guess how much it pays? Nothing. You just get a really cool,REWARDING degree at the end.
So, apologies for not blogging as much as I should have.

Without further ado, I just want to express my utter adoration. God is amazing!
Last night,  the Devil tried to bring wrong thoughts into my mind. Thoughts such as: "Chizor, what are you doing? Are you really supposed to be studying? What if you hadn't gone to Law School, you would have the life you always wanted. You would have your own 'dreams' by now. Your decision to become a lawyer caused you pain.  " 
Some of you have made God ordained decisions which in effect had some painful consequences. God has some of you in a place right now that may seem barren or uncertain. Don't look back to Egypt.
Don't look to what you don't have or what you could have had.
Isaiah 54: "Sing, O barren Woman, you who have never born, burst into song, shout for joy...because more are the children than the desolate woman"
God will do more for you than you expected.


 It's important that we watch ourself. The enemy has a certain way with our emotions. He'll go to our deep desires and longings and try and manipulate them. However, I serve a Saviour who knows my DEEPEST desires, more than I even know.  It's important that we resist the Devil in order that he flees from us ! How do we resist? By standing and believing the Word of God.
As these thoughts came in like a flood, a still gentle voice began to filter in. It was the voice of my Lover and Lord - Jesus.
I could actually feel my brain settle down, my muscles relax as I listened to His sweet voice.
He said thus: "Chizor, life in me is always an adventure. Do not despair because you have not reached there yet. Know that you are in my will, just enjoy the journey."
That is so true for many of young people. To many of us young, christian female academias. Studying isn't always easy but if you are in the perfect will of God, enjoy the path God has you on. The path of pursuing school. It's an adventure.  How? You may ask. Well, for instance today, I received an email to apply for  a Human Rights internship abroad, all expenses paid. I began to be thankful that I could cherish this moment in God to pursue the opportunities He has for me. Free from other restraints.
I am beginning to savour the journey. Don't ever mourn over the things you left behind! God done left that place a long time ago - as some may say. Remember the story of Lot's Wife? She looked back.
She didn't enjoy the path God had her on, she didn't look forward to the horizon.



Talitha Cumi- Damsal Arise.


Joy is coming in the morning, women of God