Why I am deciding NOT to date

Right, I know I said I am not going to blog but I am struggling already with this autobiography task. Somehow words flow easier when I am blogging. At this rate I'm going to modify my blog and journal entries and just add them to my book.

Anyway, I made a firm decision the other week not to get serious with anyone. I know I've been venting about celibacy for a few months now but coming back from Savannah has made it clear that I just can't do a relationship.
Since I could remember, I've been in some kind of relationship or I've had an obsessive crush on someone. Sad, I know. Things have changed though- for the better.  I am actually making a wise decision, yes I am making the choice to hold off dating for a little longer.
My conviction was set firm in the soil when James came to stay. James and I became friends through a mutual friends of ours. James came from Jacksonville, Florida but he came to see this mutual friend of ours in Savannah. I enjoyed hanging out with James and yes I did find him on the attractive side. Not wow-factor but more like ok- factor.
The whole time I was with James I had major RED FLAGS. Ladies, can I give you some advice ? As soon as you see those red flags back off.
Hmm, I tend to mistake red flags at the beginning of a potential relationship for white flags in a ver pink coloured world.
Well, James and I just were not clicking. But I was determined to swoon him over with my amazing British/Nigerian  charm but nothing I did for James  was good enough.
 Some of my romantic disappointments are self inflicted. How? You may ask.  I lack serious boundaries with men. All too often I disappear into the person I am in love with.
Quote : If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my education, my money,my family, my dog,etc. In return, I will carry all your pain, I will assume all your debts (in every defintion of the word) and I will protect you from your own insecurities.
Hence, this explains why every relationship I have had (good or bad) causes me to emerge exhausted, underweight  and begging for my next fix of 'the love stuff'.

To cut a long story short, even though I was not in love with James (seriously I wasn't), I knew that if he gave me what I wanted even if it was in small doses, my insecurites would cause me to become another helpless addict.  James took a lot from me whenever we would hang out but I blame myself because I lack boundaries. When he started to ask for me to iron his trousers, I knew both James and I had crossed the line. After filling up his tank with petrol and then being asked by him to buy lunch - I knew the line had seriously been crossed. James was taking advantage of me and I was letting him.
Some of you "sistas" are already gasping at the horror of it all but it's not James's fault. This doesn't really have anything to do with him at all but I wanted to show you what God has been doing in my life.
I actually felt the Holy Spirit pull me aside, just as a Father pulls a child to the corner. I just heard the Holy Spirit tell me : "No more".  That was it- no more. You cannot give what you don't have.  I think if you are woman like me, you try and be God to everyone and everything. You can't! You will end up a mess.

After hanging out with James that Tuesday, the next day I actually fell ill and I was just exhausted. I hadn't had this sick feeling since...a break up a while back.  It was that feeling of being at my wits end, as though every drop of energy was gone.  In such situations don't lay around and feel sorry for yourself. Hand it over to God.

1 Peter  5: 7 …casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

In Savannah, I did meet some pretty amazing men of God too. It was just nice having conversations from house music, politics, right to bear arms to cooking.  I had a friend buy a book which catered to my interest and the gesture was not romantic but it was a gesture of friendship. Someone actually cared to invest in me.  Having guys open the doors, care about what you have to say and who love the Lord are qualities I often tell my younger sister's to look for in a guy.

For us older women, don't give what you don't have.  I used to feel bitter about the past and I used to fear about writing about it on here. There was a time I had gained admission to spend an entire year at the University of Spelman in Atlanta , GA but I was dating someone back then and I didn't want them to wait any longer. I was willing to do anything for their happiness.  But it wasn't good enough.  I lacked boundaries and soon after I declined Spelman, the guy dropped me quicker than you could say "Jack Daniels". Do I have regrets and feel like kicking myself? I used to but the internship with University of Emory this summer was so much more than I had initially lost . Besides, I get to graduate earlier now.

I really can't date at the moment, life is just too exciting. God knows the best time for me. He knows the best time for you singles too.  I have no regrets except that I couldn't reognize God's timing earlier.
I just don't have 'it' in me anymore to get serious right now. Love is a lesson, I just have a few more classes to take that's all.