Confession: I've been struggling with my Christianity BIG TIME. I know some of you are scoffing at that statement and are saying with a sarcastic tone "Oh well who isn't struggling in their faith." Well, guys I need you to be a little sympathetic here. Anyway, as I was saying . It's been so,so,so hard with everything. Earlier, I was trying to express to my friend Lily how I was feeling but I couldn't quite find the words to say. Has anyone ever been in that place in their walk with Christ, when they are actually being a Christian just to please others. I've been feeling like that recently. The peer pressure has just been intense. How can I put this more eloquently?
Here is a scenario:
Chizor: [talking to bar maid] Can I have a vodka orange please? Plus one entrance to Club Rumba?
Friend: [Looks in shock] Chizor you drink???!!! Club Rumba???!! How can you stoop so low?
Chizor: [silence].
I'm not hear to get into a debate anymore about whether or not one should drink or hit the club. That's not where the issue lies. It's just been this constant struggle in my heart that's been going. I feel constantly yelled at. Like I'm being screamed, yelled at and scolded in my spirit. Then after the screaming and the telling off, the tiredness comes. I get tired in my spirit, causing me not to want to pray or read my bible because I give up easily and as I feel as though I'm not "christian" enough. Pitiful I know. The voice causes condemenation. I don't pray because I feel wary to approach His throne of Grace. Is this really God?
I admit I'm not as reserved as I was a few years ago. However, when I look back I wasn't really reserved, I just thought this was the way I had to act. Was I really doing it for God? Or was I people pleasing again? That's another one of my qualifications. I have a Bachelor's Degree in People Pleasing.
All, I can say to all of this is: "GOD I NEED A FRESH REVELATION."
Sorry this isn't one of my usual advice-smart-christian-women blog posts but I really have nothing to share per se. I'm in need of ADVICE here.
I'm struggling being a Christian. I need to go back to my first love. NO, it does not mean that I am condemning a glass of alcohol or going to the club. This is Europe and things are a lot different this side of the Atlantic. I need to get past the Dos and Dont's and really experience God afresh; as of right now everything just feels stale. I can't do this type of Christianity anymore. I need the love relationship I once had with God. It's not going to come through my 'good' works either.
I don't want to walk away from God. Ever. On the other hand I'm just finding it hard to fit into His "good books". I know that's not how the grace of God works. It's a grace that will guide me by the hand and lead me to those still waters I've been longing for these past 6 years.
This may sound cheesy but I had to press God for something. The bible talks about the renewing of the mind and heart through His Word. I told the Lord that if this was really true then I need Him to use the Word to change me. So, I've been meditating on one/two scriptures a day ALL day. If I feel low or I'm idle, I'll let the scripture for that day just mull over my heart and mind. Right, now I feel no change but I'm going to keep on whispering His Word to myself.
I know by faith something will happen.
Jesus, you really are all that I ever hoped for.
3 comments:
Oh my sweet, precious friend! Now I know why I have felt compelled to pray for you so much. You remind me SO MUCH of me at your age (altho', quite frankly, you have it SO much more together than I ever did!) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go read my post "Timing Is Everything" and especially, "My House" and "Lost"! I KNOW where you are. Chizor, it's OK to get into a "funk" sometimes and just feel disconnected to where you can't sit & read the Word or even pray. But, clearly, God is still in your heart. HE LOVES YOU! He KNOWS you! And He'll be right there always with you. PLEASE go read my posts, honey! And watch Michael Buble's "Lost" on youtube!! Since we are so much alike, I know you will "get" it.
DON'T EVER try to live your life according to what OTHER people's expectations are of you. You live your life by what YOU feel the Holy Spirit is directing you to do. I have few drinks every now & again, and I go out to listen to music sometimes. And I go out alone, giving men the impression I'm there for a pickup....WRONG! I carry myself as if Jesus were sitting next to me...and that's all that matters!
Don't give up on Him....He will NEVER give up on you! And neither will I!
All my love ~ Merana
Hi Beverly,
This is my first time visiting your blog so to say that you don't know me would be an understatement. I read this post and thought about (nine months ago when) a painful outcry from my heart to God to speak to me and His response was total silence. Nothing I said or did seemed to penetrate the chasm that I felt existed between us.
I ignored God for so many years, I honestly wondered if He was even concerned about me or like others who just basically said, "Piss off"
Somehow in the silence, the quiet, and what I felt was the painful absence of God, I began to experience His grace. I still cannot articulate a logical explanation for what I now believe God began to do in my life, but I am learning to simply trust Him and not the outcome.
I wonder how much better the body of Christ would be if we simply stopped being judgemental, if we genuinely tried to emit a measure of compassion from our hearts; if I said one simple word to encourage another instead of convicting them and casting them into an abyss.
The truth is, there will always be people to question you, judge you, and condemn you; but in the last nine months, I've learned that not once in all the years that I've lived has God turned His back on me and given up.
I've certainly given Him ample opportunity and yet for reasons beyond me, He chooses to love and embrace me, to reassure me that He will never leave or forsake me, reminding me that this journey is a marathon.
We don't know each other but I'm touched by your honesty. I pray that God grant you a measure of peace in your journey. Whatever you do, He still loves and cares for you; He won't change.
There is no need to prove or validate your Christianity, keep doing what's in your heart to do and don't give up trusting in the Lord. The bible says, "Let patience have its perfect work..." -- be patient my sister.
Blessings and peace from a brother and fellow traveler along the way.
MTJ
Hmmmm...Chizor! You've really spoken about me here. It's like you're inside my brain. This is what I go through everyday. For like 3 years now, i've been feeling that I've not been anywhere near God, even though i've not been doing anything bad per se. I wake up knowing I ought to pray but my mind generally hates routine, so I end up not praying because I don't want to be merely religious. I don't want to be like the Christians I grew up seeing-who said the same words in prayers everyday without meaning them. So, what did i ask God for? Teach me how to pray. And it was as If the Devil heard it and made up his mind to concentrate on me....well, I don't struggle only with orayer, I struggle with validation too. How do people see Christianity? What do they expect of me? I git the shock of my life when people saw pictures of where I worshipped on facebook-it was a bar and it was just to tell Christians to move away from religion and practise true Christiuanity. People think the building makes the church, they think once you enter the building, we become Christians...ummm, isn't it meant to be that what's inside you is what makes me a Christian? Isn't it the communion of people with similar things to what's inside you that makes the church? Methinks we're already having church in here on this page and you, Chizor, should only concentrate on what's inside you and obey the right voice.Read my blog Father, Dear Father..follow If you like it.
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