A woman's tears

This morning, I woke up and I pondered on the goodness of God. I can't get enough of it. I've been studying for ca. 8-10 hours a day this past week for my law exams which are coming up. However, I have come to realise that no matter how hard I strive to make a 1st class, I am nothing without God.

God cares about everything. Everything we are going through. Or everything we have been through. I cannot stress it enough : every tear drop we cry He is merciful to put it into His bottle of tears (Psalm 56:8).
I began writing this blog because I had deleted my facebook and I needed a break from things. The Lord had bigger plans for me - He wanted to use this blog to deliver people out of pain.
I'm sure you have a experienced pain before. Not like an "owie" sort of pain where you scrape your knee. No, that kind of pain that cuts straight to the heart, to the depth of your soul. The emotional pain.
This pain truly penetrates and if not treated properly it can have some deep lasting wounds. Ladies, if these wounds are not tended to, they can get infected and eventually become contagious. They will infect others, your children for example. Creating a vicious circle.
A woman of 23 years old, who has suffered constant rejection may find it hard to function in healthy relationships if she hasn't treated her wounds in Christ.
I tell you this though, there is something about a woman's heart-felt tears.
I remember a few years ago, during a youth meeting at church. Our teacher (female) was stressing to the our "brothers" the effect of a woman's tears.
She wanted the young men to see the impact that a woman's pain has on God. I recall her talking about domestic violence.
"If you ever hit a woman, or abuse a woman and she cries. I tell you God will move heaven on her behalf." The teacher explained to us.
Men, if you cry to - it's not that God doesn't hear you and won't intervene but God designed the woman to be both strong yet delicate at the same time.  Due to our delicate nature things like rejection and verbal abuse cut deep into our inner beings.
God is faithful to prove Himself strong. Women, do not let the disappointments of yesterday, determine your worth today.

Why I am deciding NOT to date

Right, I know I said I am not going to blog but I am struggling already with this autobiography task. Somehow words flow easier when I am blogging. At this rate I'm going to modify my blog and journal entries and just add them to my book.

Anyway, I made a firm decision the other week not to get serious with anyone. I know I've been venting about celibacy for a few months now but coming back from Savannah has made it clear that I just can't do a relationship.
Since I could remember, I've been in some kind of relationship or I've had an obsessive crush on someone. Sad, I know. Things have changed though- for the better.  I am actually making a wise decision, yes I am making the choice to hold off dating for a little longer.
My conviction was set firm in the soil when James came to stay. James and I became friends through a mutual friends of ours. James came from Jacksonville, Florida but he came to see this mutual friend of ours in Savannah. I enjoyed hanging out with James and yes I did find him on the attractive side. Not wow-factor but more like ok- factor.
The whole time I was with James I had major RED FLAGS. Ladies, can I give you some advice ? As soon as you see those red flags back off.
Hmm, I tend to mistake red flags at the beginning of a potential relationship for white flags in a ver pink coloured world.
Well, James and I just were not clicking. But I was determined to swoon him over with my amazing British/Nigerian  charm but nothing I did for James  was good enough.
 Some of my romantic disappointments are self inflicted. How? You may ask.  I lack serious boundaries with men. All too often I disappear into the person I am in love with.
Quote : If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my education, my money,my family, my dog,etc. In return, I will carry all your pain, I will assume all your debts (in every defintion of the word) and I will protect you from your own insecurities.
Hence, this explains why every relationship I have had (good or bad) causes me to emerge exhausted, underweight  and begging for my next fix of 'the love stuff'.

To cut a long story short, even though I was not in love with James (seriously I wasn't), I knew that if he gave me what I wanted even if it was in small doses, my insecurites would cause me to become another helpless addict.  James took a lot from me whenever we would hang out but I blame myself because I lack boundaries. When he started to ask for me to iron his trousers, I knew both James and I had crossed the line. After filling up his tank with petrol and then being asked by him to buy lunch - I knew the line had seriously been crossed. James was taking advantage of me and I was letting him.
Some of you "sistas" are already gasping at the horror of it all but it's not James's fault. This doesn't really have anything to do with him at all but I wanted to show you what God has been doing in my life.
I actually felt the Holy Spirit pull me aside, just as a Father pulls a child to the corner. I just heard the Holy Spirit tell me : "No more".  That was it- no more. You cannot give what you don't have.  I think if you are woman like me, you try and be God to everyone and everything. You can't! You will end up a mess.

After hanging out with James that Tuesday, the next day I actually fell ill and I was just exhausted. I hadn't had this sick feeling since...a break up a while back.  It was that feeling of being at my wits end, as though every drop of energy was gone.  In such situations don't lay around and feel sorry for yourself. Hand it over to God.

1 Peter  5: 7 …casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

In Savannah, I did meet some pretty amazing men of God too. It was just nice having conversations from house music, politics, right to bear arms to cooking.  I had a friend buy a book which catered to my interest and the gesture was not romantic but it was a gesture of friendship. Someone actually cared to invest in me.  Having guys open the doors, care about what you have to say and who love the Lord are qualities I often tell my younger sister's to look for in a guy.

For us older women, don't give what you don't have.  I used to feel bitter about the past and I used to fear about writing about it on here. There was a time I had gained admission to spend an entire year at the University of Spelman in Atlanta , GA but I was dating someone back then and I didn't want them to wait any longer. I was willing to do anything for their happiness.  But it wasn't good enough.  I lacked boundaries and soon after I declined Spelman, the guy dropped me quicker than you could say "Jack Daniels". Do I have regrets and feel like kicking myself? I used to but the internship with University of Emory this summer was so much more than I had initially lost . Besides, I get to graduate earlier now.

I really can't date at the moment, life is just too exciting. God knows the best time for me. He knows the best time for you singles too.  I have no regrets except that I couldn't reognize God's timing earlier.
I just don't have 'it' in me anymore to get serious right now. Love is a lesson, I just have a few more classes to take that's all.

Summer in Savannah (10)- Atlanta healed my heart

This is my last blog post for the "Summer in Savannah" series. I am currently writing this in my living room back in England. I can't believe it's over already. I flew in yesterday.  Yes, I do miss Savannah, I miss Georgia as a whole actually.
What really struck me this summer was reconciliation with the city of Atlanta.  Not the actual city of Atlanta but when I think of Atlanta,  I think of the church I attended there from 07-08, the friends I met there and the person I dated back then.
God did an amazing work this summer in my heart. My pastor in Atlanta said these words to me : "Chizor, your time in Georgia I believe will bring healing". At that point I couldn't ever see myself forgiving those that intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. However, God really did a work in me.
Let me be honest, during my time in Savannah I did not live this holy supernatural life but it was a time for God to really root up the tares in my heart. Like God was tearing things up in my heart. To be honest, I wasn't enjoying christianity, this summer I wanted to not just pray and read my bible but I wanted to have a real relationship with God.  I longed for that intimacy with God.
Did I go after it as much as I should have? Hmm, I don't know.

I probably didn't get everything right "spiritually" this summer but God did have mercy on me. He healed my heart in Atlanta and Savannah.
God didn't wait for me to get back to England before He healed me. No, he planted me right there in the midst of my regrets, fears and turmoil. That's where he wanted to heal me.

I loved every second of my internship and it really pushed me to go after law. Representing children in court who have been abused is very life rewarding.  Actually for the first time in a long time feel confident and I know that's only God given.
I knew God had plan for my life. Not just any plan but an amazing plan.  As much as I beat against the rail, I am nothing without God.

God even cares about my love life. No I am not dating anyone - it just isn't the time. Besides I have only one year left of law school, God willing.  Nevertheless, I did meet some pretty awesome gentlemen in Savannah and I was able to see how a man should treat a woman and how a man should not treat a woman. I got a pretty even balance...

I'm on a path of self-discovery. Almost like a pre middle-aged crisis, but in a good way. I want to travel all over the world, I want to meet new people, I want to research all aspects of the law. I want an intimate relationship with God.

I am reading this book called Eat, Pray, Love and I feel like the author represents my life. It's so funny but Judge Beam who knew nothing about my past, kept  on recommending me to buy the book and felt that it reflected my life.
Therefore, I am going to start writing my own story. Yes, finally I'm going to publish my autobiography.
I've been and seen so much in my twenty-two years of my life and I have things to put down on paper. So, for the next few months I'll be working hard on writing and I may not have much time for blogging. But we'll see.

Just like the book "Eat, Pray, Love" -   Eat = I have gained a few pounds by eating country cooking and so I am not 'anorexic' , Pray = I am on a journey of spiritual enlightenment and I'm going to begin enjoying knowing God and finally Love = I love meeting new people, I love life and I finally for the first time ever I love who God has  created me to  be.

I'll keep you posted

In Christ
Chizor